Where did you get a picture of my penis
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
