Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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