with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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