i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
