Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
