I am spending my child support on dildos
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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