My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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