She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
