if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
my liver is dry heaving
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
