I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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