I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
