After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
