i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
