Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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