fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
