My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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