That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
