I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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