I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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