We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
