oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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