Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
