if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
