I'm gonna have a badass scar
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
