your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
