I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
