i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
