There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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