My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
