Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My ass is underappreciated
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
