i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
