my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
