my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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