Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
