just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
