Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
