I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
