Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I want to have your abortion
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Did I show you my penis last night?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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