I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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