i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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