"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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