No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
