Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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