My liver just broke up with me...
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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