Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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