She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
