it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
