you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
