so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Still dying that you shit outside
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
