Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
ttyl tear gas
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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