who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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