so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
