so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
