Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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