That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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