I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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