he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize