you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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