i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
