I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
