the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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