last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
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