dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
