You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
