3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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