Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
